The long Race.

Whose defeat will make me smile?
Who will smile at my defeat?
The long race is on,
I thought I was racing with the sun.

Promises, which were meant to bleed,
Hands, which were never to reach.
Countless solitude we shared
The long race is on.

Planned screams, shattered dreams
Pretentious greed is all that is left to me.
Once love was in the air.
The long race is on.

Countless pointed fingers,
Capsulated shame.
She smiled, I wanted to smile
With her, for her.
The long race is on…..

The lone soldier – A request song

Of all the things I respect, doing one’s own things alone probably would be among the top of the list.

I spend most of my student life in a compulsory boarding school. It was a boy’s school. Only for boys. However there were exceptions - teacher’s kids were allowed to study with us. Sons and daughters. In our class, there were two such day scholars.
One son of a geography teacher another daughter of our mathematics teacher, Total strength of our class was 25 to 30, varying from year to year.

Day scholars generally had the added pressure of performing, well I never knew the reasons but nevertheless they had the added pressure.

Considering them a good friend was generally out of the question. As hostellers we were a very close community. And having a friend who would be a teacher’s family member was a straight no no…

So basically the life was tough for these day scholars or so I believe now.

Now think for a while of this girl... who?... Arrey daughter of our mathematics teacher. She was the only girl in our class. A class full of growing, curious, raw boys. Boys void of any female contact for months except for that girl.

She was treated as an object of curiosity. As if some kind of alien or something, a completely different breed. Not a friend, not a sister, not obviously a girl friend, not anything that can be defined in words. Talking to her was a mater of challenge that only the courageous among us would have taken. We were not the sympathetic type.

She grew up with us. From child to an adolescent. And we observed her from a distance. She became very introverted. Keeping things to herself not that she had an option. We all were changing, the world was changing out side us. Inside us there were rebellious confusions.

We greeted each other we smiled at each other, we stared at changing shapes of her breasts which she tried to hide by the books that she carried. We were learning language, we were learning to speak, we were learning to abuse and understand their literal meanings inside the enclosure of our boarding school campus where teachers were our target audience, not important whether they were physically present or not.

And she was there all the time like a lone soldier who was not allowed to participate.

She played violin, or painted the most magnificent paintings. She stood first in our academic year and recite a wonderful poem. She was however never in competition. She was a teacher’s daughter - 'judging will always be partial' or so we believed at that point of time. No matter what she did never ever won our respect. We were not the respecting type either.

Her spontaneity was the only thing that amused us more or less likes fishes inside an aquarium.

We passed out of our hostel life. Moved on with what ever earned from days of enclosure, days of boundaries, days of infinite curiosity, days of rebellious confusions and target practicing of abuses. We moved on. days passed, years passed by.

The lone soldier talks now. She is allowed to participate but now she doesn't have a side to chose… or a place to lose.

catch 22

I saw the mosquito…. And my eyes followed it…. It sat on my thick and rough skin. I let it sit… I watched it closely…. Beautiful…. It was about to sting…. I shake… it flies away…. I followed it again…It sits on a little tender skin this time…. And I was about to kill it.

Pregnant she must be… I have read it some where… they need protein and our blood supplies it to them… How much blood can it suck in one go… I am going to kill it…. What fairness what justice…

What rights I have to take its life….. and I cry for justice. They say it was born to be killed by me. Who knows as I was born to feed it…

Defeat your enemies 2

Habit is to breathe, breathe only when you need…..

Defeat your enemies…

Some times you just have to join your palms and say “sorry I don’t need you”, to defeat your greatest enemies.
Well it works best with enemies which trouble you the most. The television set, that stares right back to you and makes you softer every day little by little, the unfinished cigarette which you plan to quit in thousand different ways and you still take last drag of your life and you have been doing it since who knows when? The harsh memories of your ex- girl friend with whom you promised to be nice for rest of your life. Those memories overshadows the good time you spend together doing noting but just smiling watching each other smile.
Sometimes you just have to fold your hands and say no….
No excuses, no reasoning just you and your basic necessities.
Watch back to your life as a happy family album…. All the rest are just unnecessary habits…..

Truth

Only thing a man should fear is his own intentions all other things are inconsequential.

Elevation

Watch the rain drop till it vanishes to the ground

Watch the blade of the fan which goes round and round.

Watch the thought that sneaked in your mind till you are drown.

Hahahaha…..

A True Story - 2

She: So what if you were late once; big deal you, are not a super hero
He: No, I am a super hero, but only when I am completely alone.

Yesterday

Yesterday was such a good day; half of the world was busy being born.
Yesterday was such a bad day; half the world was busy dying.
Yesterday was such a wonderful day; half the world was smiling.
Yesterday was such a horrible day; half the world spent it crying.

Yesterday was such a great day; half the world was making promises they thought they are going to keep rest of their life

And

Yesterday was such an awful day; Half the world was…..

Yesterday was such a day…..

Yesterday is such a definitive day….

I am really tired. This never ending struggle is getting in my nerves.

I have to finish it all or at least half of the world.

Hypothetical conversation with God

Sadak Chhap:– What if one day people stop loving you, will you stop loving them as well?

God:- I am God. I don’t reciprocate, I don’t react, I act.

SC:- Then how about punishing the sinners and rewarding the followers?

God:- Ho those are all religious propagandas made by the people for the people. But that is not the question here. If I may say so…. The question here is about love. It would be really sad if they stop loving. The ability to love is much bigger a virtue than being loved. And probably that is the single most important factor which differentiates between me and you. Between God and human…

Watch yourself bleed

Think of all the inspirations, all ideals, all the hope, all the dreams you ever had as a child and stand in front of a mirror.

Imagine - 2

It is quite possible that I am a fragment of your imagination, creation of your thoughts and part of your dream.
I am so proud of the way you created me. I am eternally grateful to you.
It is also possible that you are part of my dream, part of my imagination and I hope you are as happy as I am of being part yours.

Inside the confessional mind of Emperor Qin Shi Huang/ Ying Zheng

It is 12 O clock mid-night. The emperor Ying Zheng is still awake. Sadak-Chhap pays a visit to his old friend, wants to know the reason of his restlessness.

Below is the transcript of their conversation…

SC: What is keeping you awake in the middle of the night when the country sleeps in peace?

Ying Zheng : I have been accused… Accused of being biased.

SC: Emperor Qin is accused? By whom? Since when the emperor started giving heed to accusations?

YZ: I am getting tiered of living a life without any options sadak chhap.

SC: I thought you liked your life without confusions.

YZ: you have been away very long. Things have changed probably more so inside me. Now I feel confusion is a liberty that I don’t have any more. I am sinking under my own weight. Enslaved by my own image.

SC: But then you asked for it.

YZ: Why are you here for? To add to my wounds

SC: Sorry, but don’t you know I dwell on people’s guilt. I thought I will never get you. You never ever had any guilt.

YZ: I thought this world is filled with incompetent creature, if left alone they will start digging their own grave. All they can do is dream of beauty, which they understand, which falls into their miniature definitions from microscopic point of views. And then they wrap it with ugly polythene bags and ask for an honest opinion. As if I care what is under the plastic wrapper. As if they care about the truth.

SC: So what do you want to say? You know the truth?

YZ: You disappoint me Sadak Chhap. You know me for very long time, do you think I would ever care for the truth. You give me a spark and I can make sun out of it. Give me a drop of your tear and I can dry up the whole ocean to replace it. The truth as you perceive is inconsequential.

SC: And the truth that you perceive?

YZ: Please are you kidding me, do you really think truth can be interpreted. Can be defined and be expressed. Even if it was possible I won’t have bothered myself with it. I do things, I run things around here. I am the truth. Now these creatures expect me to form an opinion over the plastic wrapped dreams. I am sorry to say ‘It’s all good’. Pass it on to me. But no no no they want an opinion properly spiced up with ignorance and human feelings.

SC: Why do you bother? Sun raises everyday and if you ask me it is a miracle. But it will still rise if you don’t even notice it. Why do you bother?

YZ: I am not a sun. I am only a human. I just get very lonely at times. And that is what bothers me.

SC: I have travelled a lot seeing things, learned a lot. I think you should watch yourself bleed in front of a mirror. That will calm you down. I don’t believe in manipulating things as you do. There is a complete sync that you fail to notice. You try to be more important than things which you preach and hence fail to appreciate the miracle. Let it be… let be…. Watch yourself bleed.

Imagine – 1

I am going to a place where obvious does not exist…

Halleluiah

If you are miraculously screwed, there is every chance, that you would be miraculously rescued.


By any chance did you notice the similarity between rescued and re-screwed?

What is it if not Love Part - 2

The ice is cold, is solid and made of water.
Water in the bottle is warm and welcoming.
The melting ice floats over water.
Cold water from the ice flows down while
Warm water rises to touch the Ice.
Then the ice becomes water.
What is it if not love…

What is it if not love - Part 1

Sadak Chhap: We walk over it; drive over it, spit and throw garbage over it. It stays there in the coldest of days and under the hottest of suns. What is it if not love?
Other Side: helplessness
Sadak Chhap: I would like to say, it’s love…

Beginning of the last temptation

Beware of what you say for it is going to be multiplied and come back to you, testing your abilities of facing it and if you actually stand straight and be true to your self. It will come back again with a ruthless force much higher than before and the cycle will go on and on till you fall on your knees and beg for mercy…..

Now let’s see how much basic I can get and how much truth can I hold…..

Dylan song that I wrote

I got a note book
And I got it for free
So I scribe few things
But later I couldn’t read

I asked my friend
A good friend of mine
To read the things I wrote
Hoping he will read it for me.

Next day he came
Asking “how do you do?”
I said “fairly good.”
Feel free to be rude

He took out his gun
Pointing at me
And said” you are where I want to be”
Shot me twice and I was dead.

He thought it was fun
So didn’t bothered to run
He kept the note book
Till he was shot dead
For the free copy of the note book.

I surrender again

In search of you I surrender… I surrender everything. Love, pain, suffering, greed, anger, passion; I surrender expectations, hopes, illusions, my past, my possible futures, my present. My cloths, my cigarettes, my fresh air, my fresh dreams, my unfinished dreams, my ideas, my hate, my pride, my ego

And then I not only find you; I become you; I start seeing things in totality. I start seeing every thing, knowing everything. Knowing the rhythm of the fire, of the river, of life and chaos. I become the straight line in any axis. I start existing everywhere.


Enough

I chose not to… rather I chose love, pain, suffering…

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players

And I am very much part of it.
And I am a damn neat player.

You hold all the cards

Wrong has many options, it also has the option to be right. Unfortunately right don’t have any option; it is what it is….

Matter of time

Come to me touch me please don’t let me go, Pleading for affection stills holds the arrogance how much truth can you hold.
Let’s see how basic can we get,
Let’s see how much naked can I get,
Let’s see how much truth I can endure
Let’s see how much madness you can hold
Before you leave me……….
FUCK YOU….

Realisation Part 1

It was painful when I realise I don’t have the healing touch. But it was really devastating when I was repeatedly told and reminded of it.

This is not funny any more

Let me bore you with a story that you must have heard many a times before.

Once there was a king. The king was very rich and was very arrogant. His richness had no limits neither were any limits to his wants. He always fancied new things, unique things. Things-things that will make him stand out from the rest. It was very important for him to stand out and he devoted most of his money and time possessing things which brought him admiration. His fascination about expensive things was well known around the world.
Taking advantage of his obsession, two thugs from a far off village thought of a plan.
They packed an empty box and gifted it to the king saying the empty box contains a royal dress made of unique fabric that only smart and intelligent can see. These thugs were heavily rewarded as the king never seen such a unique cloth practically never ever seen it.
Now the news was announced about this gift across the country. It was said the king is planning to wear it in his birthday. King was sure that it was going to be the biggest party ever as people from all around the world would present on the occasion and the dress will attract more people.
Finally the day arrived. People from every corner of the world were there just to see the dress king was going to wear as they all knew about the specialty of the fabric. The King arrived stalk naked. Every one present in the ceremony was praising the king and was admiring the non existed dress. Non in the crowd stood up to the king to say, he was not wearing anything. Everyone was scared of being called a stupid, to stand up and say what they really felt about the whole thing until a kid all of sudden started laughing and said… O look at the king, he walking naked.

Thank God we have kids. We have people who points out. We have people who don’t mind being ridiculed for asking questions. Thank God we have so called stupid people.
Gimmicks only attract lambs not humans. Humans ask questions, lambs don’t.

Last week I went to India habitat centre and was waiting for my friend to arrive. I saw a crowd standing in front of one of the art gallery. It was a big crowd I never saw such huge crowd in any exhibition. I avoided the crowd and walk straight and got my self seated under a tree and started watching a movie on my laptop. In few minutes my friend came and asked immediately about the crowd. I had no idea so we both thought of checking the exhibition just for kicks.

The exhibition was on Aboriginal art from Australia. That’s what I came to know after I read the captions below every painting. I did not see any Aboriginal people around there. There were many white skinned and browned skinned funny drunken people admiring the art of indigenous Australia. For me the whole thing was a sham. None of the paintings in the exhibition worth more than a minute to spend time on.

But then who am I to pass a judgment. I am not an Art critic. I know nothing of fine definitions of art. I just did not like what I saw, that’s it. Who am I to say anything when those painting were attracting such a big crowd?
Well painting did not attract that crowd the PR agency and the supply of free booze did. I tried and spend few minutes on each painting came out got myself a glass of Beer. I started chatting to my friend he did not like what he saw either. These paintings were sold from anywhere 60k to few lacs. But the drinks were for free for whosoever visited that exhibition.
Booze was the crowd puller.

After couple of free beers I saw a really drunk guy trying to start of a conversation with us. I thought as he his badly drunk and would be honest about the Art exhibition. But to my unpleasant surprise he started praising them. I don’t know how much of the Art he saw there but I was sure he had enough drinks not to be pretentious. I still don't know what was there to be liked? After a while I stared to hate that place and walked away.
I was wondering what if one day, one day there is an exhibition on Indian tribal painting. Will it pull so much of crowd. Can Madhubani or Saura painting can compete without booze on there side. I was sad by the time I left that place.

Yesterday I went to FICCI to watch Palas Sen and his band together known as Euphoria play Live. The event was, starting of a signature campaign on climate change sponsored by Oxfam India. Well personally I don’t like Euphoria that much not that that I hate them Just that I don’t like them when call themselves a Rock Band. But anyways I saw them live before. One thing is for sure they are honest to money they get or to the audience who come to see them. They give everything they have to the show. My problem is not with the band.

The programme was on climate change. And the Tag line said STOP HARMING START HELPING.

Are you kidding me this band uses all electronic musical instruments. There was special light and smoke arrangement to give it a concert feel.

Do you know how much energy is wasted on this. Doing a concert for lambs and for monkeys. Think out of the box. Make it an acoustic show if you really care anything about environment just for that day at least. Why was this show anyways, to gather crowd to fight forces leading to climate change. Whom all are you attracting? What is your message?

I don’t need thousands of lambs. All I want is one human being who is going to take a step of his own. Feel now. This is serious.
Please Think


Note:- The original story is from "The Emperor's New Clothes" by Danish poet and author Hans Christian Andersen

Word of Caution

We take those for granted who love us most…

I surrender

The flowers I bought for her were consumed by a cow. Few called me selfish others called me generous but I think it was just simple twist of fate.

O Meri Delhi

One good thing about Delhi is it makes me mad.
One good thing about being mad is, I can stand alone stalk naked and take on the world.

Conversation between X and Y

X: What will you do if you see a girl being raped?
Y: I don’t know most probably I will turn away and pretend I have not seen anything. What would you do Mr. X
X: What are you saying how can you be so shallow, obviously I will try to help that girl. How can you watch crime and do nothing
Y: Criminals are dangerous man they can hurt you. Why would go and stop anyone. You might end up being hurt yourself. I am afraid of being hurt is that some kind of a crime.
X. I don’t know about you but honestly I won’t be able to sleep or face the mirror or face any one for that matter of fact if I let this happen and do nothing about it.
Y: O… now I know what you mean, you are going to save that girl risk yourself because you can sleep tight. I mean what wrong I have done by saying I just don’t want to get hurt. You are anyways going to save her for your selfish reasons. It is not for her but for your self. Same as me. Exactly like me. You picked up morality just to satisfy your ego.

Wonder Moments

Uploading photographs are always so much easier than writing 500 words on some thing. And then images are always open. Open for interpretations. But come-on both of them needs spontaneity and to write you need time. I need time to just to type; you need space of your own. No matter how much time you have spend on thinking, you are crystal clear in your head but still you need that sanity, that moment while you break free and write.
However as I am cramped, I am uploading yet another set of photographs which I have taken on my trip to Camp Bodhisatva.will write about it some other time .. Hopefully...




I try to show what I see or else I lie



Hey plastic stop using plastics




It is a crime for a Rock climber to grow fat. nevertheless he is a good friend



Camp bodhisatva... Focuss..




What the fuck, it is just a bulb



Chalo chalo sab line mein khare ho jao... Systematic programming honi chahiye...




Innocence do exist. Just turn blind.




Taare Zamin Pe.



You are nice but Don't you dare divert me from my craziness.




hiihiihih.... we will go and play some chupa chupi




Grow up and become good and strong. Do what is right God bless




We will grow up somedays will smoke Cigarettes and will fight with each other. they will lose their innocence and nothing would be same. Nothing would be true but till then be what you are.




where do you come from what do you want. This is my place do visit but remember to to leave.

Life...

Mujhe dar hai toh bas is baat ki, ki jab yeh silsila khatm hoga toh sirf Nishaan rahange dard nehi hoga. Aur dard ke bina mein kya....

O my God, Freud

Honey: All you can think of is sex, sex and more sex.
Old freak: It’s not about sex honey, it’s about acceptance
Honey: it’s not about acceptance, you old freak; it is all about your selfish EGO.

Flowers

Wall Flowers




Lonely Flower




Nutritious Flower

Garwhal Trip

Hi, I am back from a trip to the mountains. Been many places learned lot of things, suffered two days of food poisoning. Can go on and on, on this. But lack of time does not permit me to. So posting photographs with captions.
But I promise to give details of my trip soon.



After a long day of Rafting.



Imagine staying in a place like this, Gupt kashi, I know a guy who built small stone house there and practises yoga.




Gupt kashi (again)



Yes, I was among privileged few to be practising yoga in banks of River Ganga. (Camp Rapid Fire.




And rappelling too... (Camp rapid fire again)




I don't know why i put this photograph.




Preparing the raft.



Now what else do you want. River, mountains and sunrise.




Can't believe people pay for doing this.



step farming.




Temped River Tehri




And the river runs dry.



the river runs wild (Mori tons valley)




Best chef known at work.




Made some crazy friends




what else should I say.




Temple for the braves at Hanol




Mohanda at work




Over Night stay at Gujjar's




On the road again.



Uttar Kashi

It's me again

What does not kill me….. hahahhhahhhaha….brings me closer to MYSELF.

A Dream

My last one year went terrible and till today I don’t see things getting better in any way. The other night I thought of finishing it. Just finish, I thought I had enough of this shit. I know this would be easy, at least easier than living for another moment. Just cutting my wrist deep enough to bleed, that will do the trick, clean and easy. Just thought of giving myself a last nap; last meditation the last meandering that will help me cut out from the source.

I slept, I slept for a while…. “Time to wake up friend” I heard a voice. The voice very familiar, yet could not tell whose it was. No point thinking about the voice I woke up, hell lot of things to do… first write a suicide note; be sure nobody gets the blame for it. Deleting my call records from my mobile; what else? “Are you listening to me? Why the hell do you ignore me so much?” by this time I knew the voice was coming from inside me, but I had enough reasons to ignore it. Fair enough where can I find a clean piece of paper I did not wanted to make the note long. “WAIT…… ENOUGH”.
The scream startled me, I stopped. “What the hell are you going to do? You are going to leave me? LEAVE ME?” I tried to reply but “now you shut up and listen to me, I have been hearing you for very long time quietly, now it is your turn to listen and I shall speak.” Said the voice and continued….
“Do you remember me? Do you know who I am? I was there with you when you took your first breath and you cried of excruciating pain. The world welcomed you with joy and it rained. I was with you when fragrance of your mother reached you and colours that you saw formed shapes. You surely don’t remember that do you? I was with you when sounds that you made meant nothing to others even then those sounds made complete sense to me. When your brother taught you to say dada before you could say any other word not even Maa I was with you watching him dance out of great happiness. I was with you when you waited for Papa to come back from his office and you pressed his feet all night long. Do you remember your first day at school when you sat crying in your class room while your mother waited out side under the bright hot sun? And this went on over a year. Remember you took five whole minutes just to say ‘yes’ when your teacher asked if you have done your home work. That was your first lie.”
They had to send you to a boarding school and you could not even tie you shoe laces and they cried for they had to leave you. You cried, sitting alone in the darkness, you ignored me then you are ignoring me now. You survived those days when your seniors beat the hell out of you for being too strong and too weak at the same time. I was with you when you chewed up half of the pillow while nervously waiting for class tenth results. And then you left them hoping for the future, hopping for the sky. You came to Delhi and I came along. You went to your college and you saw her. She smiled and greeted and you fell in love. You wrote her a précised mail and waited for a reply which never came. Then you went to tormented Gujarat, shattered were their present but dreams were still alive and you became friends. You came back and life moved on. You saw her again but this time with a different face she gave you gifts and you became friends. You expressed your feeling to her and she said “take it as a joke” life goes on.
I was with you when you picked up your first camera. You became a traveller a photographer and you got a job of a traveller and a photographer. And I travelled along. You learned about problems that you did not know existed. You were hurt by their pain and then became numb towards them. I was with you all the while when you had long conversations with your brother and with your friends or when you read in solitude. And then you started running. You ran when it rain, you ran when it did not rain, you ran when it was hot or it was cold. You ran and you ran. And I ran along. You became strong and I was strong with you. Then you saw her again, this time crying for some other guy, you consoled her and wrote her a poem. You gave her chocolates and kissed her hand and she said she loves you just to leave you again.”



Wake up, wake up tring tring tring , wake up wake up tring tring tring . Gosh it’s five O clock already. I got off my bed. Wore my running shoes opened the door and started running, started living.

Friends

After I started blogging I discovered, I am really a self obsessed guy. My sincere gratitude to those who accepted me for what I am.