A Dream

My last one year went terrible and till today I don’t see things getting better in any way. The other night I thought of finishing it. Just finish, I thought I had enough of this shit. I know this would be easy, at least easier than living for another moment. Just cutting my wrist deep enough to bleed, that will do the trick, clean and easy. Just thought of giving myself a last nap; last meditation the last meandering that will help me cut out from the source.

I slept, I slept for a while…. “Time to wake up friend” I heard a voice. The voice very familiar, yet could not tell whose it was. No point thinking about the voice I woke up, hell lot of things to do… first write a suicide note; be sure nobody gets the blame for it. Deleting my call records from my mobile; what else? “Are you listening to me? Why the hell do you ignore me so much?” by this time I knew the voice was coming from inside me, but I had enough reasons to ignore it. Fair enough where can I find a clean piece of paper I did not wanted to make the note long. “WAIT…… ENOUGH”.
The scream startled me, I stopped. “What the hell are you going to do? You are going to leave me? LEAVE ME?” I tried to reply but “now you shut up and listen to me, I have been hearing you for very long time quietly, now it is your turn to listen and I shall speak.” Said the voice and continued….
“Do you remember me? Do you know who I am? I was there with you when you took your first breath and you cried of excruciating pain. The world welcomed you with joy and it rained. I was with you when fragrance of your mother reached you and colours that you saw formed shapes. You surely don’t remember that do you? I was with you when sounds that you made meant nothing to others even then those sounds made complete sense to me. When your brother taught you to say dada before you could say any other word not even Maa I was with you watching him dance out of great happiness. I was with you when you waited for Papa to come back from his office and you pressed his feet all night long. Do you remember your first day at school when you sat crying in your class room while your mother waited out side under the bright hot sun? And this went on over a year. Remember you took five whole minutes just to say ‘yes’ when your teacher asked if you have done your home work. That was your first lie.”
They had to send you to a boarding school and you could not even tie you shoe laces and they cried for they had to leave you. You cried, sitting alone in the darkness, you ignored me then you are ignoring me now. You survived those days when your seniors beat the hell out of you for being too strong and too weak at the same time. I was with you when you chewed up half of the pillow while nervously waiting for class tenth results. And then you left them hoping for the future, hopping for the sky. You came to Delhi and I came along. You went to your college and you saw her. She smiled and greeted and you fell in love. You wrote her a précised mail and waited for a reply which never came. Then you went to tormented Gujarat, shattered were their present but dreams were still alive and you became friends. You came back and life moved on. You saw her again but this time with a different face she gave you gifts and you became friends. You expressed your feeling to her and she said “take it as a joke” life goes on.
I was with you when you picked up your first camera. You became a traveller a photographer and you got a job of a traveller and a photographer. And I travelled along. You learned about problems that you did not know existed. You were hurt by their pain and then became numb towards them. I was with you all the while when you had long conversations with your brother and with your friends or when you read in solitude. And then you started running. You ran when it rain, you ran when it did not rain, you ran when it was hot or it was cold. You ran and you ran. And I ran along. You became strong and I was strong with you. Then you saw her again, this time crying for some other guy, you consoled her and wrote her a poem. You gave her chocolates and kissed her hand and she said she loves you just to leave you again.”



Wake up, wake up tring tring tring , wake up wake up tring tring tring . Gosh it’s five O clock already. I got off my bed. Wore my running shoes opened the door and started running, started living.

Friends

After I started blogging I discovered, I am really a self obsessed guy. My sincere gratitude to those who accepted me for what I am.

More you feel, more human you become.

Valentine’s Day Special

Three years back, if you have known me, you would be surprised if I say, I am planning for a Valentine’s Day this year. Things have changed since ‘drastically’. Not intentionally I would say but what the heck I let things take its course. Last year I had a nice walk in C.R Market with two very beautiful girls. I can swear on anything it was not intentional. This year I planned to plan… So I let my imagination flow, meandering and wonder… Below is what I am thinking while writing this piece.

I am all well dressed in formals (don’t be surprised, I am looking for perfection). I knocked at her door and she, my date opens it well dressed smiling and welcomes me. I enter hiding the gift behind me. She the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, asks me to sit. I sit. She asks me to give her a minute so that she gives a final touch to her make up. I look around the room concentrating at each and every details of the room. I know that room well but even then I scanned the room not to find any thing but just did it as I was going to scan her. She comes back, she is ready now to go out for a date with me.

We go to a swanky restaurant, she decides for the menu. I watch her carefully while she goes through the menu. She is carrying soft smile on her face which is worth dying for. I call for the waiter, the waiter comes. I order for some noodles and dried lambs. The dinner is served, nice music adding up to the décor. She starts eating. I love to watch her eat. She digs the fork into a piece of lamb I follow it till it touches her rosy lips. No anger, no fear, no materialistic interpretation of the present I am just there looking at her.

Ho she is so beautiful. I watched her perfect lips, her nose, her cheeks, then I reached her eyes. Trying to find, if there is any thing in them. I go deeper in her eyes, no nothing in them, I try harder deeper nope still nothing. I start wondering if there is anything inside her. Anything at all any body… Useless. By this time I was concentrating hard on her eyes as if I am trying find out whatever there is in her mind. Still noting just blank. But they are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. It is worth looking at them for rest of my life. Such beautiful eyelids such perfect sharp and dark eyes. I am still looking at them, is there some one else…….. WHAP…WHAM
I am on the floor. I can’t see anything clearly, all coloured with colour of love colour of blood. It’s flowing profusely out of head. I try to look for her but in vain. I saw one of my eye balls rolling over the floor. I can’t move.
So what ever I see I see it through my remaining eye which was coloured with the colour of love colour of blood. I saw monkeys jumping around I can barely hear them creaming of names of some ancient God or were they. I lay there still unable to move while these monkey I don’t know why were blaming me in some weird language which I was unable to understand. I lay still…..

This is hardly my plan. I am sorry I have to end here.

Conversation with Jesus

One not so fine morning, I asked Jesus. What am I suppose to do? Jesus screamed ‘fuck off’ thrice and the third time was really loud and brought tsunami at certain places.
Below is my interaction with Jesus himself.

Me: What should I do Jesus? What should I do now?
Jesus: FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF (the one which brought tsunami). What do you think; I am here to give advice? Don’t you remember they crucify me? They publicly stoned me, my own friends betrayed me. Do you want my advice? Screw you loser. I never asked for any of these.
You know what… I am dead, long time. JEASUS IS DEAD. This is 2009 AD. No no no you won’t leave me leave me alone. I am the shepherd, you are my fucking lambs. Get a life young fellow. They wage wars in my name, you know killing people, pulling their guts out when they are alive, raping those who preached my name. No, I am not going to give you salvation when you are dead. Be alive… Kick ass. Leave me alone. Go to hell, meet my counterparts if you want instant salvation. He will put his whale size dick in you head you will be released. Don’t come to me… Leave me alone… Go to to hell ...